This was one of the worst weeks of this year so far. Monday to Wednesday were the worst. I cannot express how existentially alone I felt in words, so I won’t even bother to try. Each day I would spend hours and hours with my good friends from school because I didn’t want to go home and end up feeling miserable. But nothing really fixed how I was feeling until Thursday, where something undid itself in me and I no longer felt so abandoned.

Either way, I went to work Thursday afternoon and heard Christmas music for the first time this year. I felt strangely disgusted by it. God and I haven’t been on the best terms lately I think. There’s parts of me I can see unravelling, quite an uncomfortable process. I know this is the time in my life where I assess everything about myself, and judge it critically until I figure out what I really want to be. Somehow, though, I still find myself wishing for some guidance. And the only people I see when I look around me, old or young, are people who are just as confused about life as I am. I have to find my own way. There’s no more feeding off of someone else’s ideas to know how to live. I am existentially alone. But so is everyone else.