I don’t want to make it seem like I’m never happy, never smile and never act silly. I just find art cathartic, and so I use the times when I find myself terribly frustrated to create art. Sure, these past few months have been the most difficult in terms of obstacles I had to overcome, but I’ve also discovered from these obstacles an overwhelming amount of support from friends and acquaintances alike. On top of that, school is going incredibly well. I’ve only received one sub-par (or well, my par) grade this semester, and I’m determined to make up for it. I’m looking forward to a bright future, even though I don’t have any clue what it will be like. Whatever is in store for me, I’ll take it as it comes. And sure there will be disappointments along the way, but I’ve made it through this far, there’s no use in turning back now.

I’m exhausted. It’s been quite a week, and I’m sure the next week will be even more hectic than this past one. I feel so sleep deprived, even though I’m pretty sure I had an average of about eight hours of sleep a night. I’m not terribly sad, nor am I in any way very happy, just getting by. And I’m sure my life will be like this for the next little while. Hopefully things will be better next semester.

Anyway, I thought I would post a nice normal picture of myself this week. This is a little part of my living room. And yeah. You can sort of tell from the bags under my eyes that I’m a bit worn out. Thank heavens the semester is almost over.

This was one of the worst weeks of this year so far. Monday to Wednesday were the worst. I cannot express how existentially alone I felt in words, so I won’t even bother to try. Each day I would spend hours and hours with my good friends from school because I didn’t want to go home and end up feeling miserable. But nothing really fixed how I was feeling until Thursday, where something undid itself in me and I no longer felt so abandoned.

Either way, I went to work Thursday afternoon and heard Christmas music for the first time this year. I felt strangely disgusted by it. God and I haven’t been on the best terms lately I think. There’s parts of me I can see unravelling, quite an uncomfortable process. I know this is the time in my life where I assess everything about myself, and judge it critically until I figure out what I really want to be. Somehow, though, I still find myself wishing for some guidance. And the only people I see when I look around me, old or young, are people who are just as confused about life as I am. I have to find my own way. There’s no more feeding off of someone else’s ideas to know how to live. I am existentially alone. But so is everyone else.

The leaves are dead
and I, uneasy.

I’m growing up. I won’t always be a little girl.

Detail:

I miss you.

I’m afraid that they don’t see my unhappiness. And if they do, they choose to ignore it. So I’ll wait until I can leave this place. I won’t be able to heal while I’m still here.

I feel I grow a little more bitter by the day. Each afternoon I come home more enraged than the last. But the rage subsides in a matter of hours, and I’m left feeling betrayed, disoriented, and hurt.

Weren’t they trying to keep me from getting hurt? Was that not their aim? Now they defeat their own intentions.

I’m starting to believe we are all selfish by nature. And they, in presenting their altruistic case, are blinded by their own egoism.

Dedicated to my parents.

Sweet love of mine,
Without you there would be nothing.

I often think about how things would be had I not met certain individuals or gone through certain trials in my life. Although I cannot say for certain whether or not I turned out the best I ever could have, I have become exponentially grateful for the people and circumstances that have made up my life as of yet. A few have come and gone and already left their mark, but there are some I know now who I feel will continue to impact me until the day that I die. So to my friends, and to whatever Greater Being out there aligned this web of a universe, thank you.